zaterdag, augustus 25, 2007
Suddenly. . .
sometimes, a sudden event, word, song, occurence or anything at all throws me like lightening to a place and event or period in time that I hadn't thought about for loooooonggg.....
a link to a song on a forum that wasn't meant to make me all sentimental because we were joking had me hold my horses and threw me in a mood that has taken hold of me.... I write about it and I am busy with it now.... after this posting I'm going to lock it away again. like pushing a button - my survival button.... so many things happened that can make me sad and angry at myself - but then I wouldn't be able to go on living anymore - not that I would kill myself of course, but the sadness would take over and prevent me from . . . thinking, acting and behaving normally.
the link underneath is of a very old dutch song, called smartlap - the title of the song is 'loon van de arbeid' - but I've never known that, it were a few words 'the chorus' that suddenly fought their way into my long-distance memory and made me meet......... my mother
who used to love 'smartlappen' - sentimental old dutch songs about 'life' and difficulties in life -
I still can hear her sing the words - and know and feel what she felt - and remember how I rebelled against it, because I didn't want to be a 'softy' like she was -in my eyes- that time.
I'd like to say publically on a blog: mom, I'm soooooooo sorry - and wish I could tell you in person.....
My mother saw her neighbors shot to dead by the nazis in front of her eyes in WWII, her brother decided to become a sailor and thus escape being put to work in Germany - but he never returned home, he was killed by the nazis as well.... it left my mother in a psychiatric hospital, she just couldn't cope with it........ she underwent electrical shock treatment (a huge shame in those days) and then, she met my father and she so much wanted a child.... It took them 3 years - and finally I came,
she used to tell me she was overhappy that she had a girl, because a girl would never leave home to go abroad.........
and then I went abroad... it was stronger than me,
Soon as I arrived in Israel I knew here I have to live. . .
and I never thought about her feelings, never - or only that every mother misses her children if they go abroad... I had NO idea about the emotional and physical devestation I caused her:
soon after I emigrated two of her sisters died and she had a mental breakdown
- she never recovered from.
Up until her death she had a sad life - she was a hypersensitive person - she couldn't, again, cope.....
A few days before her death she told me "it wasn't only you that caused this sweetie, you must not reproach yourself for that" - but I never had..... reproached myself for her fate..... and I told her simply "OK, I know" -
and today I heard, completely by accident this song - and I heard her sing it again and for the first time I really, really 'connect' and 'see' and by my God: I reproach myself, I accuse myself and I hope (and know, because she just was that kind of a non-rancuneus person) that she'll forgive me,
Mom, years afterwards I cannot stand to see your tears :(
Link to the song: click on the arrow, it's in Dutch...
Tse.
a link to a song on a forum that wasn't meant to make me all sentimental because we were joking had me hold my horses and threw me in a mood that has taken hold of me.... I write about it and I am busy with it now.... after this posting I'm going to lock it away again. like pushing a button - my survival button.... so many things happened that can make me sad and angry at myself - but then I wouldn't be able to go on living anymore - not that I would kill myself of course, but the sadness would take over and prevent me from . . . thinking, acting and behaving normally.
the link underneath is of a very old dutch song, called smartlap - the title of the song is 'loon van de arbeid' - but I've never known that, it were a few words 'the chorus' that suddenly fought their way into my long-distance memory and made me meet......... my mother
who used to love 'smartlappen' - sentimental old dutch songs about 'life' and difficulties in life -
I still can hear her sing the words - and know and feel what she felt - and remember how I rebelled against it, because I didn't want to be a 'softy' like she was -in my eyes- that time.
Moeder niet huilen - Mom don't cry
het word beter misschien - it'll maybe get better one time
Moeder ik kan er je tranen niet zien - Mom I can't stand to see your tears
Kheb nooit geweten het doet me zon pijn - I never knew it hurts so much
het loon van der arbeid zo bitter kon zijn - the wage of work could be this bitter
I'd like to say publically on a blog: mom, I'm soooooooo sorry - and wish I could tell you in person.....
My mother saw her neighbors shot to dead by the nazis in front of her eyes in WWII, her brother decided to become a sailor and thus escape being put to work in Germany - but he never returned home, he was killed by the nazis as well.... it left my mother in a psychiatric hospital, she just couldn't cope with it........ she underwent electrical shock treatment (a huge shame in those days) and then, she met my father and she so much wanted a child.... It took them 3 years - and finally I came,
she used to tell me she was overhappy that she had a girl, because a girl would never leave home to go abroad.........
and then I went abroad... it was stronger than me,
Soon as I arrived in Israel I knew here I have to live. . .
and I never thought about her feelings, never - or only that every mother misses her children if they go abroad... I had NO idea about the emotional and physical devestation I caused her:
soon after I emigrated two of her sisters died and she had a mental breakdown
- she never recovered from.
Up until her death she had a sad life - she was a hypersensitive person - she couldn't, again, cope.....
A few days before her death she told me "it wasn't only you that caused this sweetie, you must not reproach yourself for that" - but I never had..... reproached myself for her fate..... and I told her simply "OK, I know" -
and today I heard, completely by accident this song - and I heard her sing it again and for the first time I really, really 'connect' and 'see' and by my God: I reproach myself, I accuse myself and I hope (and know, because she just was that kind of a non-rancuneus person) that she'll forgive me,
Mom, years afterwards I cannot stand to see your tears :(
Link to the song: click on the arrow, it's in Dutch...
Tse.
woensdag, augustus 08, 2007
Lovebirds and-other-things
We have discovered that the lovebirds my daughter owns are gay. After research I am absolutely convinced by it since they extensively make out every day and they've well reached the age of fertility ------ but no eggs. Nothing wrong with gay birds but if you were waiting for baby lovebirds this is kind of a disappointment. The little rascals, they had us fooled ;-)
Sunday I had to go to Hadassa Ein Kerem. I hadn't been in Jerusalem for over one-and-a-half year, so it's not like I'm there every week or month even. My luck: as we arrived to enter the city the disabled people had sat themselves down in the middle of the highway and started to demonstrate (probably against the poor allowances Israel is famous for giving its citizens). In any normal town the police would direct the demonstrators to the pavements - but, not in Jerusalem. There they got a very special way of handling this: they simply close the whole town. No traffic in or out of Jerusalem and inside one big, huge, unoverseeable balagan. When I arrived at the Central Station by foot there were no busses anymore around and the Station looked like on Yom Kippur: desolated roads (the mall was doing good business though). After 6 hours the traffic mess was still there but maybe this time because the Holocaust survivors were planned to demonstrate as well that day. I will attach some photos.
(can you notice I'm a bit fed-up writing about politics?)
Take care whoever may read this,
Tse.
